poetic scribblings

Of Knowledge and Sound
Purple
Gravity
Patience
Love Deeply Blue
Spoonjaw
Just Because It Hurts (this feels like writing a eulogy.)
Adam
Poem to Heaven
I Have A Hole
Sour Cherry
Me
The Dead Professor
Spinal Garden
Delta Blues
Currents

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OF KNOWLEDGE AND SOUND

today i begin
with revolution urgency
(stripping off my clothes)
with resolution heat
to stop masturbating with despair-
no more existential mindfucks
midnight screaming at the toilet...
i will re-member.

self destruction is perfect
but not beautiful.
contradiction is perfect but not beautiful.
i look up to the Sun, Moon, Earth-
those better than perfect Circles-
and i know that when i Know
and i look up again with Love
that they will tell me i am beautiful
and i will Be
washed with waves
and Be (happily)
of Knowledge and Sound.

the shamans speak with
feather tongues
i swear the merge of worlds
the Goddess in my house tonight
the spiral spins and swirls

the fire heats my words tonight
my air will soothe and cool
the red and blue make purple
under Planetary rule

tonight i am unquiet
tonight i heed my mind
now i am becoming
now i’ll live Divine

i am whole
i am a part of this
One ~ Two ~ Three
The Soul complete holds Bliss

when i met you
it was sweet.....it
reminded me of chocolate
cravings i have
when the moon decides
it's time...

i tasted my lips...
my tongue felt sticky
and real...
(motherfuckingchocolate)
i ate so much of you.

i'm american and fat.
too much illusion--
too much packaging
obscuring
this chocolate kiss...

my waist
indents
i hunch over
in pain...
i ate too much....
you were too sweet...
did halloween come early?
was that a mask you wore?

i was bleeding.
the moon makes me full
of desires..
cravings..
i cried out in hope
for sweetnesses
i wanted....and
i believed
what i tasted...your
sweet chocolate kisses
were real to my mouth
which was open
which was ready
which was starving
and also afraid....

fuck buddha.
i desire--
.....you.

PATIENCE - a poem for my Birthmother

When I was little,
I thought the reason I couldn't
touch you
was that some Higher Power
was keeping us apart

Like the Higher Power of
Big People...the Law
and grown-ups, or the
Higher Power of nature...
time and distance.
I was too young to
reach for you....
my arms were too small.
And I hated them.

Then my arms grew,
and they were the size of
half the circle. And
I knew I could reach out
finally
and as our hands touched,
there was an audible
click
in my Universe.

When I was little,
I thought the reason I couldn't
touch you
was that some Higher Power
was keeping us apart.
And I was right.....
but what I've learned
from looking back
is that the intentions of
that Higher Power
wasn't to cause pain, but
was for us to wait
until our arms could
form a much
Larger Circle
when we touched.

LOVE DEEPLY BLUE

half a world away
and lost
in the cup of a
dragons' wing
that is full of
liquid...

she waits...
for the monsters under
her bed
to sing her to sleep
and for the faeries
to dance on her
eyelids....

she wants light.

down deep in a well
she discovered the sky
above her.
it was there
it was waiting too...
and the answer
was wings
and the death
that comes with
magic....

for once
can't the world collapse?
the earthquake to
send the dust flying
back to the
common cloud
where being alone is
impossible...
because we would
be One...
we would become...

...we would be Light.

this is not intentional
i never meant to hurt anyone
but when the thought-dead moved,
i knew it was my fault
and i couldn't help it...
i couldn't help myself...
i lost my head and crawled into my eyes
and up a tree
and howled...
not from the place where humans cry
but from somewhere animal..
somewhere in me that can't speak English...
and i cared so much
that i didn't care anymore...
and from then on things were wider...
and from then on things were harder...
and since that day....
i w i l l b l e e d f o r e v e r y o n e .

JUST BECAUSE IT HURTS. (this feels like writing a eulogy.)

this time of night, it is
lonely on subways
and i sit up
awake
and i know
youre asleep
because i can see your
Angel Face so clearly
and i know that your eyes
which once looked
upon me with love
are now closed.

all i wanted was
for you to be happy, and now
you are happy without me.
how could you? dont you remember
waking up naked
and close together?
i have kissed every piece of you,
and you of me.
my tender parts
dont forget that
so easily.

if you could allow yourself,
instead of being numb,
you could smile
or cry
at our lives together
and apart
and realize that we have
something worth keeping alive
at least in the form
of a memory.

i know that you are
not a child,
but you have alot to learn,
and so do i,
but most importantly
you need to know
that it's okay to love a memory
of someone
or something, or sometime
without them still being there.

i learned that a long time ago,
when i was still a child,
when Daddy died,
and to me, you have
died, too
and i grieve
and when the phone rings
you are the
first and last person
i expect to be there
when i answer.

i havent taken down
your picture
because i love your memory
and i am old enough to know
that i dont need to
hide from something
just because it hurts.

One day the egg cracked.
Nature impaled the cage, and
my child was born.

Stillborn man opened his eyes
to discover himself an infant
wincing in the light.

....crash down envelop the virgin love honey suckle baby at the breast nourish by tears not milk flowing flailing caged by dark and despair my arms could be a better cradle for a desperate baby or maybe just a padded cell protect the beauty fix the scars inside the blue room i'm over you rocking with the waves of my love and nausea just as desparate for this as you are heaving sobs as destructive as hurricanes only less easily compensated for years of pain please erase with me i need to crash down.....

POEM TO HEAVEN

Do you mind if I call you Daddy?
Can I hide behind you in the crowd?
and leave my fingerprints on
your pressed jacket?

Would you mind too terribly if I tried
to be like you?
You and your endless pages.
They can still keep me warm at night.

When Mommy comes to
tuck me in
after my days-
(and pages-)
will you be there?
Will you be smiling?
Or will you turn your shoulder (like before)
on your not-so-little-girl?
Can't I please hold on to you, Daddy?
My fingerprints aren't that dirty.

Will I become your shadow?
My blackness in all that white.
Funny how things go in circles, huh, Daddy?

Remember. I still love you.

I HAVE A HOLE

Just when I think I've found
some way to fill this hole
it sinks deeper.
I need more-
always need more-
I need another
freak like me
two holes together,
so we could lose ourselves
before we have no selves to lose.
Two holes
pressing together
sealing at the mouth
could make a bubble,
make a womb,
make the space I need
so maybe I could
have room to find me
so maybe I won't need
any
more.

SOUR CHERRY

I was your candy girl
and you always drove too fast.
Hanging out the window
teetering on fifteen
I lost my cherry on a highway
(I don't remember which one)
It was dark and past my bedtime
I was glowing hot orange
on the end of a stick
in your fingers.
I could sing-
I still can-
about rawness
and purity
and the death of something.
I don't want those years
I rob myself
I inhale youth
and you
And you are married now
and so am I
but sometimes I get nervous-
I can still taste something-
bitter craving
and it makes me stink
and it makes me shit
and I hold myself
without your help
and ashes scatter
and get rained on
creating a stream
and a reminiscent high
and I am on the ground
but still smoking.

I try
not to
taste it
but
there's no
going back
and
already
I'm
defined
for the
duration
of
the
night
in the
land
of
chew
and
swallow.

THE DEAD PROFESSOR

Everything I see in myself that I despise
is reflected in you
But you are what I strive to love
And so I writhe
and distort my features
into the ugliness that I crave
and convulse to please myself
so I can please you
but I stop when I
see myself in the mirror.

It reflects what I despise in myself
but love in you
and I stop myself
in a sort of drunken attempt
at being sober
and imagine my blood draining
away from my brain.

SPINAL GARDEN (with thanks to Kate Chopin)

Back to shore, the bruised ones come
Broken and spent, failure-burned,
I see how their lives outran them.

I was always a step behind my life
Until I caught it. Or maybe it caught me,
and suddenly, borders started changing.

I cannot define my shape- I am growing.
Something has happened, and my spine is a garden.
My mortal back is pregnant with my destiny.

I dont need you anymore. The seed
may be yours, but the flower is mine.
And the ocean is the spring. I will bloom alone.

I cast you off with my mask and clothing.
The sun on my naked back, my wings unfold like petals.
I am strong now. I am free now. I am a bird now.

The froth and waves harvest my past.
"Good-by-- because I love you."
And good-by because I love myself.

DELTA BLUES

My head at strange altitudes
threading strange and rare connections
foreign to my feet-on-the-ground--

I saw you
and your cotton shininess
(the nature-glow)
Me...the Baby-Girl with her
toes pointing inward
or so it might seem...

Recently my being has shifted.

It pulls my center to hear
that you don't like people.
What am I....What I am...
What you could know of me...

Inside of me is a stirring,
a consciousness of some river starting
in India
and fanning out into everyone
(little tributaries of tears and other liquids)
emptying into the sea of my songs
and my poems.

Other countries are ours
if we forget our pasts
and learn the art of ROAM.

I hear her feeling him
probably in the same places my hands were
last night
In the same numb sheets,
with callous bodies pressing,
and teeth.
He cares about this one;
the one who can make his other parts heat up.

I am in the waiting room-
me and my vagina.
It is sore from marathon fucking
in the bed they're in.
Maybe she'll smell me on his hands.
Maybe he won't wash them of me,
(at least for a while)
Maybe I'll walk right in
and sit down to watch them making love,
and maybe they won't care.

People who hide are afraid.
I will spread my legs and invoke the burning of the sun.

hOMe
Email: LE87@dangerous-minds.com